The Glamorous Life...

"The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul."  Audrey Hepburn

I never had a problem with my body.  I know it's not perfect, but it is sexy.  I know how to dress and how to undress in front of a man to turn him on.  I know I'm one of the lucky women for being comfortable with their bodies.  Not all women are.  We get caught up in what we look like and what we think society says that we should look like.  It's hard to say if we women are born into this system, which seems created by men, or if we simply willingly perpetuate it.  Whatever the case...it's out there...like some big Catch 22 of life.  We work so hard for so long to perfect our looks...looks that fade away as we finally begin to understand that our beauty inside needs to be greater than our beauty inside.

I learned how to make love to a man really well.  How to drive a man crazy in bed if I wanted to, and if he deserved it.  It was love that I had a problem with.  I never learned to love myself.  I kept looking for love and approval from others...in particular men.  I failed in learning how to be happy and how not to look for a man to make me happy.  I just simply was at a point where I depended on using my body - to use men - to make myself feel better.  I thought I was grown up and mature.  I didn't understand that I was turning my body into a commodity that was being used by the very men who I thought I was using.  This reflected itself in the romantic relationships that I found myself in.

So I did several "Girl Next Door" type nude photo shoots.  I dressed up and stripped down like a high school cheerleader, office secretary and a nurse.  I was all of 19 going on 30 and didn't even know it, or care.  Then one day while I was working an odd day shift at the strip club, word had got around that I did some magazine pictures.  This was frowned upon.  You could only do such if you were a big name.  I was a little name.  The manager of the club, who had already treated me pretty much like dirt was ready to toss me out of the club.  The day he told me not to come back for two weeks until I got my shit together was also the same day I met Julian Jackson.

Julian was a good looking, muscular, 6'1 black man from New York.  He played football and ran track in high school, but came out to LA to pursue a career in acting.  He attended UCLA for all of two semesters before flunking out, and according to him, finally found himself.  He landed a couple of bit parts in two successful movies, but no one in Hollywood would give him a shot in a real movie.  That was until he got involved in the porn business to help pay off his mounting bills.  The minute he whipped out his 10 1/2 inch penis on video, he became the perfect stereotype for an industry constantly looking for a black Adonis in the sexual taboo or niche market...formally known as: Interracial sex.

Two years after he graduated high school in NY, Julian was here in LA recruiting me at my own strip club.  He told me that he really loved me, and he did.  He thought that we could do well working together making movies together.  That I could take a path where I could do some films with him and I wouldn't have to have sex with a lot of different men.  Of course I rejected him.  Of all the lovers I had had in my life, none of them were that well endowed.  I certainly didn't want my first time having sex with a black man involving my organs getting moved around for a taboo video.  So I rejected Julian's offers for about two months.  That was when I got fired by my boss for doing the magazine photos without his permission.  He didn't want his customers getting bored by a girl they had already seen in a two dollar magazine or an online subscription.

So, I made my first video with Julian.  He had several up and coming (no pun intended) porn actors.  Everyone in the movie had to get tested.  I was no different.  Julian was great.  He basically got the actors, a couple producers and a hot shot director to invest in a bunch of new faces.  I came onto the set later as a fresh, new face who was going to settle down his character, a hot shot boxer who was climbing to the top of the ranks in his career.  The movie was called "Knockout" and it was a knockout on the market.  It was made for very little money and became a hit, with Julian getting acting and producing credits to his name.  It actually generated several millions of dollars and was nominated for a handful of AVN awards, the adult film's industry's equivalent of the Academy Awards.  Everyone involved with the film became instant stars in the industry.

I got to have sex with a black man for the first time with a big dick and it was all on video.  I didn't need to do much acting in that shoot.  I wanted Julian.  In another life he could have been a fashion model, but this was the life that he had chosen.  Even crazier, he wanted me to be with him as much as I wanted to be with him.  Julian was different, not just because of his size, but also because of his charm.  His charming demeanor and his ability to get people to do things was even bigger than his dick.  He was clearly headed for stardom.

All I remember most about that film shoot, and the next five months that Julian and I dated, was that I always had shaky legs the morning after sex with him, my organs always felt like they got moved around...and we managed to smoke great pot or snort some great coke on occasion.  I lived in a kind of insulated life.  All the people around me were in some form of the Adult Entertainment industry.  Some people in the business drove nice cars and lived in expensive houses.  That was mostly the people on the top of the food chain.  Just like in Hollywood, the vast majority of low level porn actors lived from paycheck to pay check and in many instances from one drug high to another.  Such was the case when you try to drown out your memories of how you earned that money to pay for the drugs you purchased.

That wasn't going to be me.  I was with Julian and he was being offered nice money for his tool of the trade.  With Julian, I was definitely in the porn "IN" crowd.  I had made only one film with him and I was getting the chauffeured Mercedes Benz and Jaguar treatment everywhere I went with him.  It was a glamorous life even if people were only recognizing me for taking all of Julian's penis inside me.  It was one scene, it took one hour to shoot and there was no acting necessary.  Now I was getting phone calls from other producers and directors to star in their films taking on as many black dicks as they could line up.  Then there was more calls from producers and directors to have me co-star with the biggest white dicks that they could find.  Julian and I rejected every offer.  We were going to be strictly do films with each other.  I gave him the liberty to go with other actresses, but I didn't want any part with any other man, but Julian - black, white or green.

Now don't get me wrong, I did like seeing the contrast between my body and Julian's together.  Not for nothing, but the brother had a gorgeous body.  He had pecs, traps, back and a muscular ass with dimples.  But I simply wasn't interested in sticking every black cock these slimeballs could find to stick inside my body.  It just wasn't happening.

Ironically, when I made that first film, there was another newcomer on the set.  Another blonde chick, 19 years old, who came from South Dakota.  I'll just call her Cheryl.  Cheryl was as naive as they came.  She came from a town that only had five black families in the entire county.  But, she really wanted to become a porn-star and she wasn't going to let anyone, or anything stand in her way.  Cheryl jumped at the parts that I kept turning down.

As the days turned into weeks and, then weeks into months I could feel Julian and I drifting apart.  I became more disillusioned with him working with different women and us having nothing resembling a normal life.  I retaliated by signing up for a film that was going to have me involved in a three-some at a prison.  At least that's what I had signed up for.  However, as the movie was being filmed, the director and producer tried to surprise me with a 10 on 1 gang bang scene.  I was in cocaine induced haze most of that week - but nothing sobered me up faster than realizing that the director and producer were trying to pull a fast one on me.  I pretended I needed to go to powder myself up and check to see if I was having my period.  With that I sent Julian an emergency text, with my location and held myself up in the bathroom for the 30 minutes it took for him to arrive.  It was the second and last time that he would rescue me from myself.

When Julian arrived, the director and his scumbag assistant stopped knocking on the bathroom door.  He said to them whatever had to be said, and I was off the hook.  I came out, got dressed and got into his car.  He came with his car and another car filled with a bunch of his friends.  His friends, most of whom I had never seen before, looked like a casting call for a bunch of rough looking, LA gang bangers.  He knew that to get me off that set and out of possible retribution, he was going to need muscles, money and a female replacement so that the film shoot could go on.  He brought all three and walked me out.  Then he told me something that hurt me at the time, but ended up saving my life.

"Riley, you need to go home."
"Isn't that where you're taking me?  Back to our place?"
"No Riley, you need to go back home, home.  You need to get out of this business all together.  You're all fucked up.  You're always getting high."
"If you want me to go Julian, why won't you leave this shit with me?"
"Riley, this world here was never for you.  You came here because you fell into a pothole.  I came here because I wanted to make money and fuck as many girls as I could.  I was made for this place.  I'm doing what I set out to do.  Are you?"

Julian checked me into rehab for five weeks.  I did the full time there.  When I came out, I knew that I had to leave for somewhere other than where I was.  I had managed to save $40,000 in my bank account from all those tips I got stripping and my first two asshole boyfriends.  It was enough money to get me back home and try to re-establish myself in some kind of life, at least for a little while.  The day I packed my things up from Julian's house, I seemed to run into everyone that I had met the past several years.  Everyone wished me well, as I was leaving Julian's castle.

Just as my cab pulled up to take me to the airport, Cheryl had pulled up in her car and ran over to me to say good bye to me.

"Hi Riley!  I'm so glad to see you before you left.  Guess what I did yesterday?"
"I don't know, what, Cheryl?"
"I just did my first interracial gang bang and bukkake video!  Now I'm really going to get all sorts of video offers!  I'll make 300 videos faster than Vanessa Del Rio!"

I just looked at Cheryl with a forced smile and said, "Good luck."

From there, I was on my way from California back to Ohio.  I was hoping to leave all of the adult entertainment business behind me.  I came to Cali a wiseassed, know it all, wholesome kid.  Now I left a jaded, slightly hardened, and more humble young woman.  What I didn't know was what was going to be in front of me when I returned home.